BODY SHAMMING

I often think about if i can go back in time , what would i change about myself ?

My answers would be that i would make my parents to send me to more sports classes like tennis or soccer . I would also continue dance class and maybe join gymnastics or something . Just anything to make myself fit and 'THINNER' than i am today because it has been hard trying to get fit at this age . And i will always end up hating myself but i somehow manage to block all my feelings away . 

The real question here is , why do i want to be 'THINNER' ? Well the answer is simple , because society says that 'THINNER' is better . The world today is so fucked up that being 'FAT' is such a terrible thing and it is a disgrace to a human race . That disgusts me so much . From when i was 10 years old up to about 14 years old , i have suffered so much just hating my body . Everytime i would go to church , people would ask me what's my age and then when i tell them my age , the only response i get is i look 'BIGGER' than my age and i should start loosing weight and stuffs .  What pisses me off the most is when I go back to my village every Christmas . Everytime i go back for Christmas , it doesn't feel like Christmas , it feels like "Wow ! Avi hasn't lost any weight yet." Then , when im eating during Christmas , they even told me not to eat so much because then i would grow 'FAT' . Some relatives even compared me to my older siblings because they are THIN . To top it all off , i was telling my friend something about my size ( i cant remember what was it about) and she told me "Nevermind next time you can go to London Weight Management and ask them to suck your fats out."

So when i was mature a bit (maybe around 12 ?) and started taking all these words to my offence , i became the most insecure person in the whole world . I can't even talk in front of my class without feeling like i'm being judged for my phsical appearance . I stopped wearing shorts because i feel like my thighs are too big . I wore oversized shirts to cover up my stomach . I ate less . I would work out every day and when i missed a day , i felt like i'm gonna gain all my weights back in just that one day . And my hate towards my body just grew even bigger . 

Luckily i went for an international church camp  and met amazing people from different country who inspire me to get closer to God . They also kept reminding me how precious and beautiful i am . I also became closer to the youths from my church . That made me feel like i've start over again and i don't need tennis or soccer or gymnastics to make me fit just to feel secure .

My main concern is the younger girls that are growing up in this kind of society . They need to know that eating stuffs is ok and that being 'THIN' or 'FAT' doesn't define their worth . See there's so much more in to this life than how much you weight on a scale or how your body looks and if someone body shames you , yell 'FUCK YOU' and walk off . Don't spend another minute with them , they're not worth your time . Learn to love your body for yourself not for others . Learn also to love yourself so the screams of society will be outpowered by the love you have for yourself . 

Love , Avitra :)